Everyday we are searching. Searching for what, we ourselves do not know but we continue to search. How then will we know when we have found it? We continue to search for that something, the something which we ourselves do not know. I remember I asked my friend about the above and I guess I have the answer. It lies exactly right here when u entered this site. GOD. Yes, I have found GOD. Have u? This all sounds like a cliche but I have come to realise that GOD has always been the "something" that I'm searching for. All these while, I have been searching for that someone. The someone whom I can love, care, share my sorrows an who is in turn understanding towards me. Who else fits this bill besides my FATHER above? My GOD who is infallible. Have you found HIM?
I wished to thank Jeremy for his advice to me during this emotional period for me. He taught me how to use my head when all I could before was use my heart. I realised that we need to find a right balance between both. After all, too much of anything is bad. I have made my decision and it's something I will not regret. I have learnt how to keep my emotions in check and not to be seen vacillating.
Well, I'm going to trust GOD in these coming days and I'm sure HE's out there looking after me. After all, HE knows what's best for me. After all, I have found what I have been searching for all these while.
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
Taken this from my friends' BLOG. Thought it is quite suitable for the situation I'm in now.... Dont have the mood to have any thoughts today. This wil be all for this while... Maybe just add that I have finally recovered from my flu after one week so yes, I'm back to full health, phyiscally ay least.
Here is the phrase taken from my friends' BLOG: "Later in the evening service, Sy shared on how he stayed clean after being born again... Christianity is not a wave-a-magic-wand-and-all-the-pain-and-suffering-will-go-away affair... the blood of Jesus washes away sin, but does not wash away experience, memory and humanity! Yet we do not have to ashamed of what we have done previously, because
scars are not there to remind us that we used to be hurting, but rather its to remind us that God has already healed us completely!! "
Thank You GOD for your assuring words at this right moment. AMEN!
WAAHH!!! I MISS SOCCER!! ahahah... yes, I played soccer yesterday for the first time since i ORD. I really miss those times I would play soccer with my friends after school, after NCC, after poly on saturdays.. My passion of soccer would never die!!
It was a real joy seeing my team play. Such fluent and passing soccer that it really left me with no superlatives to describe our understanding of each other. The finishing, the deft passing and sublime touches, how we craft open the opponents' defences with defence-splitting passes is awesome. I realised how much I have missed not playin with them. So sorry FMC people, I'm going to spend my sunday afternoons with them playing soccer if possible.
Soccer has always been something that helped me to take away my mind off things and moving on with my life. Soccer was, is and will forever be my passion and my 3rd love. Scored 3 goals yesterday; a simple tap in, a header (as usual) and a volley (it's a beauty, thank GOD I havent lost my touch) yeah! :)
Soccer is great, fun and I love it. Soccer's my game but...... *ouch* now my muscles hurt. Must be because I havent exercise for so long..... *ouch*
I remember sometime back, I mentioned how I wondered my sensitivity could be put to good use? Still remembered myself questioning GOD, what use of it if I cant use it for HIM? Then GOD being GOD answered me the very next day when I watched "Passion Of Christ". It was then I realised that it was only through this sensitiveness that I could really felt Christ's pain and anguish. It was then i realised, how can I shout, "Kill HIM! Kill that traitor! Kill that liar!" during the easter musical itself? I found it so difficult to accuse "JESUS" (played by Paul) of such crime when I know he's not guilty? It was then I started to cry when "JESUS" was nailed on the cross (Think only Jane and Tee saw me crying *phew*) The very same people that HE came to save were the people that wanted HIM dead.
Kind of like the part in the movie above, where Saturn was walkin around and it dawned upon me that he's everywhere, looking at us, waiting for a chance to plant thoughts into our minds. We just have to be wary. I know at this very minute, he's watching me. Scary right?
I liked this phrase mentioned during today's BS. Here goes,
"Anything that man doesnt fulfill by obedience, GOD fulfills through judgement"
Think about it....
Today was easter musical... Finally after all the rehearsals, this is the real thing. Will add my thoughts another day but I like the ending part of the muscial. Here it goes:
As the story unfolded before the eyes of those present that very day, many had a change of heart. Many realized that they may have cruxified an innocent man. Some even realized that they may have cruxified the Christ, the One sent to die for their sins, the Son of God. and true to His word, on the third day, Jesus rose from His grave and was seen by many people. The Bible says in the last portion of the book of Luke "He opened their minds so they could understand the Scriptures. He told them 'this is what is written: the Christ will suffer and rise from the dead on the third day, and repentance and forgiveness of sins will be preached in His name to all nations, beginning at jerusalem. you are witnesses to these things." Then He lifted His hands and blessed them. while he was blessing them, He was taken up to heaven. all in all, there were 349phrases relating to Jesus and 55prophecies on Jesus and He fulfilled every single one of them. you see, friends, this story about Jesus and how He changes our lives when we believe in Him is so real. It is about the love He has for us. It is about how life can go on even after death. It is about you being called into the ultimate relationship of faith, hope and love in Jesus Christ, the Son of God.
And this was the finale song:
For God so loved the world
That He gave His only Son
Whoever shall confess that He is Lord
Will be given a life that is forever
Jesus wants to be your friend
Jesus wants to love you forever
And He's waiting for the moment that you will open your heart,
And receive His love, fulfilling His promise to you
So just give your life to Jesus
For He gave His life for you
It was His love for us that led Him to the cross in Calvary
So just give your life to Jesus
For He gave His life for you
It was His death that we may be made new and live eternally with Him
I dont know what to say.. Why must it turn out this way? Why must this happen? People always emphasise that in relationships, one of the key components is giving your partner security. That, after today, I realised I fall short of this aspect. When have I ever given my loved ones the sense of security? So much thoughts and emotions are just driving me crazy. How I wish I can just get rid of it and be oblivious to thngs around me but I know that I cant be living a life of self denial that I'm not one such person. Since GOD has given me this double edged tool, I'm sure there is the good out of all this sensitivesnes, emotions and thoughts. Just when I thought I could really settle down on a person, this has to dawn upon me. I mean what is the meaning of this? Just when I thought I have finally managed to get over what has happened over the past 2 weeks, this has to come to me... I mean, GOD! surely there is only so much I can take.. Now my decision not only affects me but also another person, a person whom I hold so dearly to.
If Nanhui was the reason why I drew away from GOD thus the reason she was taken away from me then what has my relationship with Tiffany displeased GOD. Just when I'm beginning to embrace HIS word closely to my heart, this has to happen. Is this another "practical test" by GOD to see if I really love HIM? Another test to see if GOD would still be my first love should HE cruelly take Tiffany out of my life?
Or am I just blaming GOD for my own selfishness? Blaming GOD because I wanted someone that could be here with me physically instead of being far away. I know I said before that I'm confident that I can handle it but I realise when I'm personally going through it, it's totally different. I've come to realise that I cant deal with the fact that she cant be here during my saddest, happiest or even my proudest moments; moments that mean so much to me. I mean if I really love her, then i shouldnt feel this way, should I? If I really love her, surely I can take these 3 years? If I really love her, i wouldnt be hurting her time and time again... What should I do? What is GOD trying to tell me? That there's someone else out there or that I should be single and serve HIM? After all, my relationships have always turn out sour. Maybe it's really time... Time to stop these foolish love games... These games that been hindering my walk with GOD but has it? I dont really think so or am I just being stubborn?
Whoever is reading this, I request your earnest prayers. Prayers for the right decision to be made. Decisions that are made with GOD approval and not man's. Should this be the end, I pray for both of us to handle it maturely. I know that the emotional side of me would probably cloud my life again but of course, I hope this doesnt happen. Should I decide that it's worth another try, I pray that this would be the last time that this issue would surface. After all, 3 times is bad enough; bad enough to affect one's relationships. However, even if I decide to give it one more last go, would SHE agree? After all, I had brought nothing but hurt, pain and heartache to her.
I feel lost... I feel hurt... I feel confused... I feel useless.... I hate myself... Apologies would be an understatment in the height of these events... I hear GOD calling me.... Opening his arms for me to find solace, to continue to trust HIM that HE knows what's best for me and that HE has a plan laid out for me, a plan laid out all the way to Calvary where I will carry the cross to. To be dead to this world but to be alive in HIS wonderful place named HEAVEN. Praising HIM every day, singing praises with no pain, sadness or hurt.
After all, James 1:2-4 says, "
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trails of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perservence. Preservence must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
Wah.... it's been ages since i last blogged that I myself am kind of sick of seeing the same old post time and time again but hey, I dont mind saying, "I LOVE YOU !" again right? Time to stop procastinating and get started. Well, the last whole week must be one of the worst times in my life but not comparable with the worst. *
Thank GOD*
Anyway, havent been feeling well for this past week. Have always been in the pink of health since young so whenever I'm too stressed up, I would get my roller coaster doses of headaches. Haiz.... had a bad and horrible dream for the last 2 days that it freaked me out. Dreamt that U and I were both resting on the bed when "something" tried to possess us and we were fighting hard not to allow it. Cant really remember what really happened but I remembed throughtout the struggle I could feel a pain in my left chest. Well, it's bad enough to have me waking up in cold sweat with some tears in my eyes. After which, I couldnt get back to sleep. Can remember myself praying like mad. Was so worried that it was something "spiritual" that I called Jerry to talk about it. Jerry assured me it's nothing to worry. After all, who can be greater than our GOD right?
"GREATER IS HE THAT IS IN ME THAN HE THAT IS IN THE WORLD" *
PRAISE GOD* Jerry attributed the whole incident of just myself missing Tiffany. He asked, "Have you been thinking of Tiffany very much lately?" Come to think of it, I have been particularly thinking of her much this week so I think Jerry's just right. After all, I had a peaceful sleep last night so ya, I'm relieved. *
Thank GOD*
Well, am blogging while at work now so I better get off now before I am caught.... JIA NE!
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