I dont know what to say.. Why must it turn out this way? Why must this happen? People always emphasise that in relationships, one of the key components is giving your partner security. That, after today, I realised I fall short of this aspect. When have I ever given my loved ones the sense of security? So much thoughts and emotions are just driving me crazy. How I wish I can just get rid of it and be oblivious to thngs around me but I know that I cant be living a life of self denial that I'm not one such person. Since GOD has given me this double edged tool, I'm sure there is the good out of all this sensitivesnes, emotions and thoughts. Just when I thought I could really settle down on a person, this has to dawn upon me. I mean what is the meaning of this? Just when I thought I have finally managed to get over what has happened over the past 2 weeks, this has to come to me... I mean, GOD! surely there is only so much I can take.. Now my decision not only affects me but also another person, a person whom I hold so dearly to.
If Nanhui was the reason why I drew away from GOD thus the reason she was taken away from me then what has my relationship with Tiffany displeased GOD. Just when I'm beginning to embrace HIS word closely to my heart, this has to happen. Is this another "practical test" by GOD to see if I really love HIM? Another test to see if GOD would still be my first love should HE cruelly take Tiffany out of my life?
Or am I just blaming GOD for my own selfishness? Blaming GOD because I wanted someone that could be here with me physically instead of being far away. I know I said before that I'm confident that I can handle it but I realise when I'm personally going through it, it's totally different. I've come to realise that I cant deal with the fact that she cant be here during my saddest, happiest or even my proudest moments; moments that mean so much to me. I mean if I really love her, then i shouldnt feel this way, should I? If I really love her, surely I can take these 3 years? If I really love her, i wouldnt be hurting her time and time again... What should I do? What is GOD trying to tell me? That there's someone else out there or that I should be single and serve HIM? After all, my relationships have always turn out sour. Maybe it's really time... Time to stop these foolish love games... These games that been hindering my walk with GOD but has it? I dont really think so or am I just being stubborn?
Whoever is reading this, I request your earnest prayers. Prayers for the right decision to be made. Decisions that are made with GOD approval and not man's. Should this be the end, I pray for both of us to handle it maturely. I know that the emotional side of me would probably cloud my life again but of course, I hope this doesnt happen. Should I decide that it's worth another try, I pray that this would be the last time that this issue would surface. After all, 3 times is bad enough; bad enough to affect one's relationships. However, even if I decide to give it one more last go, would SHE agree? After all, I had brought nothing but hurt, pain and heartache to her.
I feel lost... I feel hurt... I feel confused... I feel useless.... I hate myself... Apologies would be an understatment in the height of these events... I hear GOD calling me.... Opening his arms for me to find solace, to continue to trust HIM that HE knows what's best for me and that HE has a plan laid out for me, a plan laid out all the way to Calvary where I will carry the cross to. To be dead to this world but to be alive in HIS wonderful place named HEAVEN. Praising HIM every day, singing praises with no pain, sadness or hurt.
After all, James 1:2-4 says, "
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trails of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perservence. Preservence must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
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